I made a decision a few years ago that I wasn’t going to watch the news any more. Mainly because I was getting so pissed off seeing so many cases of child sexual abuse. Every time I saw them it would trigger my abuse & send me right back to when I was 6 or 7 years old.
Also there is so many horrible things going on in the world that I didn’t need to add them to the horrible things going on in my head.
Instead of watching the news I keep myself informed with what’s going on by reading the news online. That way I can skip the stories I don’t need to know about.
But yesterday for some strange reason I clicked on a story that I really shouldn’t have.
I can’t even tell you what the heading was cause I think it was the photo that for my attention. It was a CCTV photo of an Indian man walking out of a store in a shopping centre here in Sydney.
I started reading the story, my first mistake. The more I read the more angry I became & the more triggers I was getting.
This man sexually assaulted two 9 year old girls while inside the store. My blood was boiling & I was so upset with what I was reading. They didn’t go into a huge amount of details but they were looking for help to find this man.
Now the reason I was so upset, aside from the fact that it is a disgusting act, the man that sexually abused me for all those years was also Indian & they looked very similar, it was scary.
It’s now 12+ hours since I read the article & I’m still dealing with it. Now all I can think about is how those poor little girls are doing & how could this disgusting excuse for a man do that to them.
Having CPTSD is so difficult, unlike most people we cant just get over what they have seen, it stays in your mind for hours, days & even weeks. Then it triggers personal events from your past abuse.
I “tried” to go to sleep last night but every time I closed my eyes I could see my abuser. Its been well over 20 years since the abuse stopped but I can still see him clear as day. I can also smell him & hear his voice. I know to a non sufferer that’s very hard to comprehend but that’s how the brain works. Its an amazing organ but its also a horrible organ that makes life so hard.
I woke up this morning in a terrible state I could feel I was still so devastated by what I had read yesterday. I should be in class learning about all the amazing things to do with travel but instead I’m at home on the lounge writing this & feeling like shit. My anxiety is bad & I’m very down. Not a pleasant time.
When I’m feeling like this I have to make a decision what’s best for me not for anyone else. I knew if I went to class things would trigger me even more & Id become an absolute mess.
Over the years people have said to me “Just move on” “Forget about it & don’t let it control your life”
Trust me if I could I would! But I have a medical condition that has made me this was. If I had an off switch Id turn it off right now & life what people call a normal life.
If you suffer from CPTSD, PTSD or depression please don’t let anyone tell you to get over it. Its not that simple. If they don’t understand then they aren’t worth having in your life.’
Be kind to yourself & do whats right for you not whats right for them!