(Warning this could trigger you)
As suffers of CPTSD & PTSD we all have things that make us uncomfortable, frightened & we can’t bring ourselves to do.
Things that we could do & should enjoy but because of the horrible things that have happened to us, it makes them very difficult.
Mine comes from years & years of sexual, physical & mental abuse as a child so Iv been dealing with these things for most of my 32 years.
All of the these are simple everyday tasks & mostly pleasurable enjoyable things that people can do without a care in the world.
The hardest one for me is one of the simplest & one of my favourite things but I just can do it while I’m alone.
Having a shower.
I can’t have a shower while I’m home alone. I just can’t do it. It doesn’t matter if I deadlock every door & window in the house, I still totally freak out & can’t do it. It’s been like this for many years.
Unfortunately some unspeakable things happened to me while I was showering as a child so as the memories have come back it’s affected me so badly.
Someone needs to be home with me before I can even think about getting in the shower. And that makes life difficult for myself & for people that need to be there for me.
It’s so annoying cause it’s something that relaxes me when I’m stressed but the thought of it when I’m alone scares the hell out of me.
Iv been trying really hard to work through it so I can do it alone & enjoy one of the simplest everyday tasks.
I tired it the other day. I told my husband to go sit outside our house while I did it. I locked every window & door. Then checked them twice.
I went into the bathroom & locked that door too. I jumped in the shower for a whole 67 seconds & jumped straight out. I was in an absolute panic. I dried off & called him to come back inside.
He was very proud that Is done it. He was rights it’s a start. 67 seconds is better than zero seconds.
That was about a ago now. But today I had a breakthrough, I was feeling really low & needed to feel better so I thought “Just do it, it will relax you”
I deadlocked the doors & locked all the windows. I got my clothes & went into the bathroom & locked that door too.
I jumped in the shower & to my surprise within a minute I relaxed & really enjoyed it. I was shocked & so impressed with myself. Sad but true.
Once I jumped out I check the time & realised I’d been in there for well over 10 minutes. I couldn’t believe it. Id done it & it was great.
I can honestly say that it’s been almost 10 years since Iv had a shower while being home alone. It was a massive breakthrough.
Hopefully I will continue to have these breakthroughs with the everyday things that make my life so difficult.
I will have to keep doing if everyday to break the habit of feeling so stressed about it. I’m sure that the more I do it the easier it will become.
If you’re like me & are having the same sort of problems please don’t give up. You can get through them. Baby steps are better than not taking any at all.
Be kind to yourself!