I think I’m grieving the loss of a normal life

I’m really struggling lately. I feel like I’m grieving the lost of the normal life I should of had. Instead my innocence was stolen & so was any chance of a normal existence.

I see all my friends married, with a career & having children yet I’m struggling to just get through the days at the moment.

I keep thinking where would I be? Would I be the flight attendant or doctor that I wanted to be growing up? Would I be married with a few children by now? Would I have a better relationship with my family?

All those years of sexual & mental abuse will stay with me & effect me till the day I die. It’s not going to go away because having complex PTSD stays with you forever.

I can try to make life more bearable for myself but I think I shouldn’t have too. I should be enjoying an amazing life that my Mum dreamed of when I was born. Instead I’m an absolute mess half the time & just getting through the days are a battle.

I get so angry when I think that the man that did this to me is free & living (probably) a guilt free life while I have a life sentence to deal with.

I know I will get through this rough patch but I also know that there will be many many more to come in the future.

Do you ever think about what could have been?

Be kind to yourself Xx

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3 thoughts on “I think I’m grieving the loss of a normal life

  1. I too have complex PTSD. Often, I would think of what ifs, what if my brain worked like a normal person? Now I think about the future, how can I make it better? I know that, it seems like a crap answer, but honestly keep searching for the way out, find what works, and you will eventually get there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I recently got diagnosed with ptsd, although ptsd symptoms didn’t really match. After further investigation i found cptsd, and i feel as if the listed symptoms describe all the struggles i live with on a daily basis. I grew up in a physical & mental abuse household, I’m just now figuring out how damaging that kind of environment can be on a child’s mind. So that’s my brief introduction. The reason I’m commenting is because you mentioned that cptsd is forever…? Bring someone who has been struggling my whole life trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and trying to be “normal”, this concerns me. Could you explain your reasoning behind that statement? It would be much appreciated!

    Thanks

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi. The reason why I say CPTSD is forever is basically because it unfortunately is. There isn’t a lot of treatment as it’s a very new illness even though people have been suffering for centuries they have only given the name in the last 15 years. Which means there hasn’t been a lot of research. They are still trying to figure it all out. Also unlike a lot of others mental illness there isn’t a pill you can take to stop it as it’s a memory base illness.

      Someone did something to us in childhood which changed our brains in the way they grew & shaped. When we do react or do things that aren’t a normal thing it’s because we are reacting to things that happened to us. Our wiring was damaged from all the abuse as we were so very young & still growing.

      So what I’m saying is that there isn’t a quick fix as you can’t erase memories as they stay with you forever. Trust me I wish there was a pill I could take to get ride of all the memories as I hate reliving my abuse on a daily basis.
      There are some treatments around & Iv tried a few of them but unfortunately I haven’t found anything that works as yet BUT I won’t give up I will keep trying.

      I hope this helps & answers your question. Also remember that everyone is different & we all have very different situations. You might find a treatment that works for you & you will be able to recover & live a “normal” life. Good luck.

      Like

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