Be A Survivor Not A Victim



Don’t bother


Taking a massive step… And extremely nervous about it!

Iv been struggling with horrible flashbacks, terrible anxiety & generally feeling like things aren’t going to get any better. Then I did something I shouldn’t of done. I took too many sleeping tablets & painkillers & ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago. Deep down I knew that it was a cry for help as I didn’t want to die but I wanted people to know just how bad I really was doing.

The next day after I was released from hospital I decided that I couldn’t continue like this any more, Its too much to deal with & I honestly didn’t know how much more I can take. I contacted a therapist that I use to see & asked if she could suggest anything that could help me.

I was given the details of a hospital that does an inpatient PTSD program. Its a 3-4 week incentive program that focuses on coping with flashbacks, triggers, anger & relationships. It sounds like the perfect thing for me & I am prepared to give it 100% so I can finally start to live some sort of normal existence.

The reason it makes me so nervous is that firstly Ill be away from my husband for that length of time, we have only spend 2 nights in a row apart in the last 4 years so its a hard thing to think of. The hospital is over an hour away from where we live so I dont expect him to drive there everyday. Secondly I know that there are so many more memories that need to come out, things that I know happened but that I have pushed deep deep down so I never had to deal with them. But I also know that they need to come out so I can finally get the help & start healing from these horrid traumatic events.

The other thing is as its covered by health insurance there is a 8 week waiting period so as of today I have 7 weeks before I can be admitted to the program. At the moment I’m all for it but its the waiting & anticipation that gets you. As we all do we over think things & then Ill possibly talk myself out of it a few times but then again I am desperate for change so deep down I know this is the best option for me, for my Hubby, my Mum, my Friends & for our future.

Hopefully Ill be able to take my computer so I can blog about it while I’m there & hopefully share some of the tools I learn with you.

Have you done a program like this? How did you find it? Was it helpful for your recovery? Id love to know what other suffers think!

Don’t forget to look after number 1 & be kind to yourself!

Things that people say to suffers of CPTSD that they shouldn’t!

I keep hearing people say “Just forget about it & move on”
Pffft trust me if I could I would. If someone could give me a pill to take away the 10+ years of bad memories Id take it right now & move on. Unfortunately I cant do that as there isn’t a pill like that.

CPTSD is a memory based illness, the reason we are how we are is because of past experience that have made us this way. We would like nothing more than those horrible memories to disappear from our minds so we can live a normal life.

The other one that really annoys me is “Just stop thinking about it” Again Id love to stop thinking about it but when we are triggered constantly & having flashbacks that are totally out of our control, its something that we cant do.

People don’t realise just how hard everyday life is for someone with PTSD as they have never experienced it & hopefully never will. I wouldn’t wish this on my worse enemy. Well I lie Id love for my abuser to go through it so they can feel what they has done to me.

Speaking of the abusers. I’ve read things saying “You need to forgive your abuser before you can move on” Bullshit! I will never forgive them for what they did to me. I am living a life sentence for what they did to me while they are living a guilt free normal life. I will never ever forgive them, never!

Is there anything else that people say to you that annoy you?

I think I’m grieving the loss of a normal life

I’m really struggling lately. I feel like I’m grieving the lost of the normal life I should of had. Instead my innocence was stolen & so was any chance of a normal existence.

I see all my friends married, with a career & having children yet I’m struggling to just get through the days at the moment.

I keep thinking where would I be? Would I be the flight attendant or doctor that I wanted to be growing up? Would I be married with a few children by now? Would I have a better relationship with my family?

All those years of sexual & mental abuse will stay with me & effect me till the day I die. It’s not going to go away because having complex PTSD stays with you forever.

I can try to make life more bearable for myself but I think I shouldn’t have too. I should be enjoying an amazing life that my Mum dreamed of when I was born. Instead I’m an absolute mess half the time & just getting through the days are a battle.

I get so angry when I think that the man that did this to me is free & living (probably) a guilt free life while I have a life sentence to deal with.

I know I will get through this rough patch but I also know that there will be many many more to come in the future.

Do you ever think about what could have been?

Be kind to yourself Xx

Being Kind To Yourself & Listening To Your Gut Instinct

As suffers of Complex PTSD we tend not to look after ourselves.

We put others first & forget about number one.

Its taken me years to realise that its what I needed to do to make life easier for myself.

If you are feeling down or out of it then do something nice for yourself. Get a massage, get your nails done, sit in the sun & read a gossip magazine, pour yourself a glass of wine & put your feet up, call a friend & go somewhere nice for a meal, go shopping & buy yourself something new.

Do something that YOU like, do something for YOU!

For me I get some serious anxiety & I end up feeling like a total stress ball. Its horrible, I cant sleep, I’m on edge all the time & life just seems like its never going to get better. When I get like this I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. So Iv had to start listening to myself & when I’m like this I book a massage to get myself out of this terrible slump. It really does wonders for your stressed body & mind.

If you have CPTSD you’ll know that these periods of anxiety don’t happen just once in a while, it can happen multiple times a month. We need to take care of ourselves so we don’t end up in a messy state that is even harder to get out of.

Listening to yourself is so important. As survivors we have an amazing instinct & usually if it doesn’t feel right then it probably isn’t. If you go into a situation & you don’t feel comfortable then leave. You shouldn’t put yourself in a position where you don’t feel safe. Listen to your gut & go with it. You don’t need to put yourself in stressful situations.

Be Kind To Yourself & Listen To Your Gut Instinct