Keep on fighting!



Complex PTSD & Friendship

Iv read & been told that being honest with your friends is the best option when you aren’t doing the best.

So lately Iv been completely honestly with them & told them how I’m really doing. It’s meant to be the best thing for both of us in the friendship.

Unfortunately that hasn’t been the case for me at all. Iv been honest & everyone seemed to disappear quietly. Less calls & texts then simply no contact at all.

I need my friends now more than ever but they are no where to be seen. It’s heartbreaking.

I’m the type of person who’s always there for my friends no matter what so now that I’m in desperate need for them no one is there.

I’m starting to think that it was the worst mistake being honest with them. I should have kept my mouth shut & just pretended that everything was fine, that way I’d still have people around.

I know how hard it must be to hear that your friend is going through hell but it’s even harder to walk away & leave them.

I’m in my 30s now so the chances of making new friends isn’t really going to happen. Especially since I’m not even leaving the house these days.

Thankfully I have my husband who is also my best friend but sometimes you really need other friends to talk to about random things.

Have you experienced the same thing? What did you do?

Things aren’t good at all

I can’t work out if I’m in the worst slump of my life or if it’s just that I’m older & much more aware of how I’m feeling & how badly it’s effecting me?

It’s been over 2 months of feeling this way & unfortunately I’m getting worse not better. Iv gotten to the stage where I’m not even leaving the house alone. Going to the shop around the corner makes me sick to even think about. I stay inside the four walls of my house cause I’m safe here. And honestly I don’t need to see or speak to random people.

If you knew me, you’d know me as a extremely outgoing & independent woman who always makes sure she looks good but these days I’m nothing like that at all. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. Iv put on weight & iv stopped looking after myself. It’s horrible & I can’t seem to change it.

If I’m invited to something like a party or out for coffee with a friend, I find an excuse not to go as the thought of going out isn’t a good one. It’s easier to decline & stay home in the comfort of my own surroundings.

Some of my friends know what’s going on but to be perfectly honest I don’t think they’ll even fully understand just how bad things are. Some are supportive & others have slipped away quietly without saying a word. Personally I don’t blame them but it is heartbreaking that they aren’t there for me like I have been for them
Oh well that’s life. Can’t change how others act.

I’d like nothing more than to get up in the morning, have a shower, get dressed & go out to do the things I need to do. Unfortunately that is a huge struggle.

Now I am waiting for my health insurance to kick on so I can go into a inpatient treatment program in a local hospital. I have another month before I can start so I just have to try to make through the next few weeks. Hopefully with the love & support of my husband & Mum then I’ll make it through.

Have you experienced something like this? What did you do? Did you find some treatment that helped you?

Don’t bother


Taking a massive step… And extremely nervous about it!

Iv been struggling with horrible flashbacks, terrible anxiety & generally feeling like things aren’t going to get any better. Then I did something I shouldn’t of done. I took too many sleeping tablets & painkillers & ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago. Deep down I knew that it was a cry for help as I didn’t want to die but I wanted people to know just how bad I really was doing.

The next day after I was released from hospital I decided that I couldn’t continue like this any more, Its too much to deal with & I honestly didn’t know how much more I can take. I contacted a therapist that I use to see & asked if she could suggest anything that could help me.

I was given the details of a hospital that does an inpatient PTSD program. Its a 3-4 week incentive program that focuses on coping with flashbacks, triggers, anger & relationships. It sounds like the perfect thing for me & I am prepared to give it 100% so I can finally start to live some sort of normal existence.

The reason it makes me so nervous is that firstly Ill be away from my husband for that length of time, we have only spend 2 nights in a row apart in the last 4 years so its a hard thing to think of. The hospital is over an hour away from where we live so I dont expect him to drive there everyday. Secondly I know that there are so many more memories that need to come out, things that I know happened but that I have pushed deep deep down so I never had to deal with them. But I also know that they need to come out so I can finally get the help & start healing from these horrid traumatic events.

The other thing is as its covered by health insurance there is a 8 week waiting period so as of today I have 7 weeks before I can be admitted to the program. At the moment I’m all for it but its the waiting & anticipation that gets you. As we all do we over think things & then Ill possibly talk myself out of it a few times but then again I am desperate for change so deep down I know this is the best option for me, for my Hubby, my Mum, my Friends & for our future.

Hopefully Ill be able to take my computer so I can blog about it while I’m there & hopefully share some of the tools I learn with you.

Have you done a program like this? How did you find it? Was it helpful for your recovery? Id love to know what other suffers think!

Don’t forget to look after number 1 & be kind to yourself!

Things that people say to suffers of CPTSD that they shouldn’t!

I keep hearing people say “Just forget about it & move on”
Pffft trust me if I could I would. If someone could give me a pill to take away the 10+ years of bad memories Id take it right now & move on. Unfortunately I cant do that as there isn’t a pill like that.

CPTSD is a memory based illness, the reason we are how we are is because of past experience that have made us this way. We would like nothing more than those horrible memories to disappear from our minds so we can live a normal life.

The other one that really annoys me is “Just stop thinking about it” Again Id love to stop thinking about it but when we are triggered constantly & having flashbacks that are totally out of our control, its something that we cant do.

People don’t realise just how hard everyday life is for someone with PTSD as they have never experienced it & hopefully never will. I wouldn’t wish this on my worse enemy. Well I lie Id love for my abuser to go through it so they can feel what they has done to me.

Speaking of the abusers. I’ve read things saying “You need to forgive your abuser before you can move on” Bullshit! I will never forgive them for what they did to me. I am living a life sentence for what they did to me while they are living a guilt free normal life. I will never ever forgive them, never!

Is there anything else that people say to you that annoy you?