Don’t bother

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Taking a massive step… And extremely nervous about it!

Iv been struggling with horrible flashbacks, terrible anxiety & generally feeling like things aren’t going to get any better. Then I did something I shouldn’t of done. I took too many sleeping tablets & painkillers & ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago. Deep down I knew that it was a cry for help as I didn’t want to die but I wanted people to know just how bad I really was doing.

The next day after I was released from hospital I decided that I couldn’t continue like this any more, Its too much to deal with & I honestly didn’t know how much more I can take. I contacted a therapist that I use to see & asked if she could suggest anything that could help me.

I was given the details of a hospital that does an inpatient PTSD program. Its a 3-4 week incentive program that focuses on coping with flashbacks, triggers, anger & relationships. It sounds like the perfect thing for me & I am prepared to give it 100% so I can finally start to live some sort of normal existence.

The reason it makes me so nervous is that firstly Ill be away from my husband for that length of time, we have only spend 2 nights in a row apart in the last 4 years so its a hard thing to think of. The hospital is over an hour away from where we live so I dont expect him to drive there everyday. Secondly I know that there are so many more memories that need to come out, things that I know happened but that I have pushed deep deep down so I never had to deal with them. But I also know that they need to come out so I can finally get the help & start healing from these horrid traumatic events.

The other thing is as its covered by health insurance there is a 8 week waiting period so as of today I have 7 weeks before I can be admitted to the program. At the moment I’m all for it but its the waiting & anticipation that gets you. As we all do we over think things & then Ill possibly talk myself out of it a few times but then again I am desperate for change so deep down I know this is the best option for me, for my Hubby, my Mum, my Friends & for our future.

Hopefully Ill be able to take my computer so I can blog about it while I’m there & hopefully share some of the tools I learn with you.

Have you done a program like this? How did you find it? Was it helpful for your recovery? Id love to know what other suffers think!

Don’t forget to look after number 1 & be kind to yourself!

Things that people say to suffers of CPTSD that they shouldn’t!

I keep hearing people say “Just forget about it & move on”
Pffft trust me if I could I would. If someone could give me a pill to take away the 10+ years of bad memories Id take it right now & move on. Unfortunately I cant do that as there isn’t a pill like that.

CPTSD is a memory based illness, the reason we are how we are is because of past experience that have made us this way. We would like nothing more than those horrible memories to disappear from our minds so we can live a normal life.

The other one that really annoys me is “Just stop thinking about it” Again Id love to stop thinking about it but when we are triggered constantly & having flashbacks that are totally out of our control, its something that we cant do.

People don’t realise just how hard everyday life is for someone with PTSD as they have never experienced it & hopefully never will. I wouldn’t wish this on my worse enemy. Well I lie Id love for my abuser to go through it so they can feel what they has done to me.

Speaking of the abusers. I’ve read things saying “You need to forgive your abuser before you can move on” Bullshit! I will never forgive them for what they did to me. I am living a life sentence for what they did to me while they are living a guilt free normal life. I will never ever forgive them, never!

Is there anything else that people say to you that annoy you?

Getting Help

The last few weeks haven’t been good at all. Iv been completely Blah & not the best at all.

My anxiety has been through the roof & I haven’t wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Iv been having flashbacks which make everyday life so difficult. Iv been crying all the time & getting so angry with myself for feeling that way.

I made myself an appointment with the psychiatrist a few weeks ago & I had the appointment today.

On the way to the appointment I joked with my hubby that they should just lock me in a paddled cell & throw away the key. He wasn’t very happy about me say that, personally I thought it was funny & maybe a little but true.

I hadn’t seen this doctor before so I was nervous about having to explain my situation to someone new. Thankfully when I arrived she had read through my notes so she knew a lot about me, that made it so much easier.

She asked me all the relevant questions then asked me to explain how I had been feeling. I told her everything that has been going on. Just how hard doing everyday tasks are. I explained whats been going on in pretty much ever detail.

Iv learnt over the years that you shouldn’t leave anything out, tell them everything & anything so they can help you in every possible way. Don’t leave anything out in fear that they might be shocked, dont worry they have heard it all before & probably worse than what you have to tell them.

After I told her everything she sat back in her chair & to my surprise she said that she thinks I’m doing a lot better than what I think I am. She said the way that I’m feeling is completely normal for someone who suffers from Complex PTSD. She said I should be proud of myself that I’m doing as well as I am.

Now I will admit that I wish she had said “Yes there is something wrong with you, take this tablet twice a day & you will feel normal again” But I know that that will never happen.

When I was walking home I thought ‘Okay I’m not doing as badly as I thought’ I think I need to give myself more credit & I definitely need to stop being so hard on myself. We are all guilty of it. We think we should be doing more, we should be happier & we should be normal.

After hearing that its okay to be feeling like this I am going to take the time for myself & get back to normal again. If that means doing nothing & doing things for myself to change how I’m feeling then that’s what Ill be doing. I will take the pressure off myself & just go with the flow.

If you’re feeling the same way, please get yourself an appointment with a doctor & get the help that you need. You might be the same as me & just need someone to tell you that you are actually doing a lot better than you think.

Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!

Trying to get through the bad days

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Today hasn’t been a good one at all.
I woke up & everything was okay but then out of no where I started getting flashbacks.

Normally I know what’s triggered me & I can take myself away from what’s doing it but today I couldn’t put my finger on it.

After a few hours of feeling miserable I decided that I needed to get out of the house & do something for myself.

I got dressed (that was a struggle in itself) got my things together & opened the front door. Then BANG**** I’m hit in the face with the strongest smell of curry. It’s only of my hardest triggers. It throws me for six.

Having CPTSD our seances are so much more heightened that everyone else so we are so much more effected.

In that split second I needed to decided to run back inside & lock myself a away again or keep walking.

I kept walking. I went up the road & got myself a pedicure. Taking focus off the bad & putting it on something nice for myself really helps. I’m finally learning to be kind to myself.

Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t solve all my problems but it helps with the now. Doing small things for ourselves is a important part of healing.

I won’t lie when I got home I went back into my slump but at least I got out & about to do something for myself.

The flashbacks were gone but iv just been feeling empty & out of it. The hardest this is trying to explain that.

I have to “try” to get myself together for class tomorrow. I’ll have to put on my mask & pretend that I’m okay. We as survivors are really good at that.

The truth is ill probably be feeling like this for awhile to come but I’ll just plod on with a fake smile on my face pretending that everything is fine.

Thankfully for me these days, I don’t have to do that with my loved ones. I promised them I wouldn’t hide how I’m feeling & I won’t anymore.

If you’re feeling the same way please tell someone so you get the love & support that you need.

Remember to be kind to yourself!

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