Don’t bother

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Taking a massive step… And extremely nervous about it!

Iv been struggling with horrible flashbacks, terrible anxiety & generally feeling like things aren’t going to get any better. Then I did something I shouldn’t of done. I took too many sleeping tablets & painkillers & ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago. Deep down I knew that it was a cry for help as I didn’t want to die but I wanted people to know just how bad I really was doing.

The next day after I was released from hospital I decided that I couldn’t continue like this any more, Its too much to deal with & I honestly didn’t know how much more I can take. I contacted a therapist that I use to see & asked if she could suggest anything that could help me.

I was given the details of a hospital that does an inpatient PTSD program. Its a 3-4 week incentive program that focuses on coping with flashbacks, triggers, anger & relationships. It sounds like the perfect thing for me & I am prepared to give it 100% so I can finally start to live some sort of normal existence.

The reason it makes me so nervous is that firstly Ill be away from my husband for that length of time, we have only spend 2 nights in a row apart in the last 4 years so its a hard thing to think of. The hospital is over an hour away from where we live so I dont expect him to drive there everyday. Secondly I know that there are so many more memories that need to come out, things that I know happened but that I have pushed deep deep down so I never had to deal with them. But I also know that they need to come out so I can finally get the help & start healing from these horrid traumatic events.

The other thing is as its covered by health insurance there is a 8 week waiting period so as of today I have 7 weeks before I can be admitted to the program. At the moment I’m all for it but its the waiting & anticipation that gets you. As we all do we over think things & then Ill possibly talk myself out of it a few times but then again I am desperate for change so deep down I know this is the best option for me, for my Hubby, my Mum, my Friends & for our future.

Hopefully Ill be able to take my computer so I can blog about it while I’m there & hopefully share some of the tools I learn with you.

Have you done a program like this? How did you find it? Was it helpful for your recovery? Id love to know what other suffers think!

Don’t forget to look after number 1 & be kind to yourself!

Getting Help

The last few weeks haven’t been good at all. Iv been completely Blah & not the best at all.

My anxiety has been through the roof & I haven’t wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Iv been having flashbacks which make everyday life so difficult. Iv been crying all the time & getting so angry with myself for feeling that way.

I made myself an appointment with the psychiatrist a few weeks ago & I had the appointment today.

On the way to the appointment I joked with my hubby that they should just lock me in a paddled cell & throw away the key. He wasn’t very happy about me say that, personally I thought it was funny & maybe a little but true.

I hadn’t seen this doctor before so I was nervous about having to explain my situation to someone new. Thankfully when I arrived she had read through my notes so she knew a lot about me, that made it so much easier.

She asked me all the relevant questions then asked me to explain how I had been feeling. I told her everything that has been going on. Just how hard doing everyday tasks are. I explained whats been going on in pretty much ever detail.

Iv learnt over the years that you shouldn’t leave anything out, tell them everything & anything so they can help you in every possible way. Don’t leave anything out in fear that they might be shocked, dont worry they have heard it all before & probably worse than what you have to tell them.

After I told her everything she sat back in her chair & to my surprise she said that she thinks I’m doing a lot better than what I think I am. She said the way that I’m feeling is completely normal for someone who suffers from Complex PTSD. She said I should be proud of myself that I’m doing as well as I am.

Now I will admit that I wish she had said “Yes there is something wrong with you, take this tablet twice a day & you will feel normal again” But I know that that will never happen.

When I was walking home I thought ‘Okay I’m not doing as badly as I thought’ I think I need to give myself more credit & I definitely need to stop being so hard on myself. We are all guilty of it. We think we should be doing more, we should be happier & we should be normal.

After hearing that its okay to be feeling like this I am going to take the time for myself & get back to normal again. If that means doing nothing & doing things for myself to change how I’m feeling then that’s what Ill be doing. I will take the pressure off myself & just go with the flow.

If you’re feeling the same way, please get yourself an appointment with a doctor & get the help that you need. You might be the same as me & just need someone to tell you that you are actually doing a lot better than you think.

Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!

Not looking after myself

So the last week has been terrible, Iv been like death warmed up & haven’t left the house let alone the bedroom for almost a whole week.

Having CPTSD we tend not to look after ourselves the way we really should, we put everyone else ahead of us & forget about number one.

Iv been stressed & run down for the last few months so I’m not surprised I got this sick but Wow I didn’t think Id be this bad.

So I got the flu (don’t know who or where from) then it went onto my chest so Iv ended up with a chest infection as well.

Now the thing that’s made it so unbelievably uncomfortable is the fact that we are had one of the hottest Octobers on record its been over 30 degrees (High 80s for my US followers) everyday.

All I wanted to do was lay in bed with the blanket over me, sleep, watch movies & try to get better but because of the heat that wasn’t going to happen. Id put the fan on & have the blanket over me but then Id get worried Id get a chill. It was a lose lose situation.

Okay because I wasn’t well Id forgotten to take my medication like I do every morning cause I know it makes life so much easier. After 3 days I was getting sicker & so much more depressed, I was a total mess.

I was a nasty bitch to my hubby but he just took it cause he’s so amazing. Thankfully he’s so understanding & didn’t care he just wanted me better.
Because I wasn’t taking my medication I wasn’t sleeping so I was getting worse as I was getting the rest I needed.

One night I didn’t get one minute of sleep, he got up at 6.30am & found me on the lounge watching some crap on the Crime Channel, yes I know really smart watching that. He marched me into bed & told me not to get up till he got home. I did what I was told.

After making the realisation that I wasn’t taking my tablet 4 days later I took it straight away. I got the sleep & rest I so desperately needed.

What people don’t realise is that this medication helps regulate the chemical imbalance that has happened to us due to traumatic events. If you stop taking it suddenly you can make yourself very sick. Always get medical advice before stopping any type of antidepressants. Be very careful.

A flu that should have past in a few days turned into the horrid experience, not taking care of myself & not taking my medication made me feel like I was on deaths door.

Thankfully I’m recovering now & going back to class so I can graduation from my course & be very proud of myself for the first time in a very long time.

Be kind to yourself

Instructor-Down-Time

Extremely disappointed after making a realisation

At the start of the year I decided to follow my passion, I singed up for a Travel & Tourism course in the hopes I could be a travel agent.

I love to travel, Iv been bitten by the travel bug  & I love helping others get bitten too. Travel is such an amazing thing in life. Going to new places, experiencing new things & meeting new people. Plus I’m a different person when I’m away, all my worries seem to disappear.

I wanted to be in a job where I can share my love & knowledge of travel with others. To help others book their trips of a lifetime.

The course has been been great & Iv enjoyed learning lots of new & interesting things. Iv made some friends & have been so blessed to have the more amazing & understanding teachers.

I decided when I wasn’t feeling the best to let my teacher know what was going on, to my surprise they were so amazing about it. They helped me get through the hard times but letting me do some of my work at home & in my own time. It was so helpful, I took the time I needed & was able to pass all my classes.

I am now 4 weeks from graduating & Iv come to the realisation that I really wouldn’t cope in the industry. It’s such a high pressured job with huge responsibilities, you have to be so on the ball with everything you do & you cant make mistakes as you could ruin someones trip of a lifetime so I couldn’t live with myself knowing I did that.

I know I can easily get a job in the field but I deep down that it wouldn’t be fare on me or the employer.

Having CPTSD you dont know when you’re going to have a bad day, week or month so you cant just say to your boss “Not doing very well at the moment can you take over” It just wouldn’t happen nor would it be fare.

Its heartbreaking to know I put everything I have into this course, I am so passionate about the industry but I just cant do it.

We dont deal well with pressure at the best of times so why would we put ourselves under even more pressure in a job? Its not worth it. We want to do well in life so being in a stressful environment when we have stress going on in our heads isn’t a smart move.  Then if we fail we would be so unbelievably hard on ourselves.

Now the hard part is finding a less stressful job still in the Travel & Tourism industry so I can still be involved with something that I love. I really dont know what it will be but I will keep thinking & asking advice from people that I know.

In saying all that, even though I wont be getting a job as a travel agent I will still finish the course & feel very proud of myself for completing it.

I have to remember that I haven’t failed, Iv just listened to myself & realised that I’m doing whats right for me!

I hope that in the coming months that I can find something that is perfectly suited to me & I can be proud of myself for sticking with something I am so passionate about.

Wish me luck!

Be kind to yourself Xx

The photo is of my collection of travel books. All the places on my travel wish list!