This is very true for suffers of CPTSD

Im In A “It’s Complicated Relationship” With Sleep…

It hasn’t been a very good relationship for as long as I can remember. And the hard thing is that I LOVE sleep & having CPTSD I really need it to function.

Yes I know I posted about how amazing meditation was & that it helped so much with my sleeping but that didn’t last very long. I used it for a few nights but the novelty wore off very quickly.

Not even sleeping tablets are helping now. They don’t seem to be doing what they are meant too.

Having PTSD/CPTSD is hard enough as it is without doing it on little or no sleep.

I learnt years ago that putting movies & TV shows on that I know & love is the best way to lay in bed. I put them on & not even watch but listen then eventually I fall asleep.

It’s 1am & like every other night I’m wide awake. Switching off is really hard to do at the moment.

They say exercise is a great thing so Iv dusted off the treadmill & started using it but like most other things it’s not working either.

Iv said it before & I’ll say it again. I wish we had a switch behind our ears where we could turn off our brains & get the much needed sleep we need.

Unfortunately we don’t have one so we have to try & find other ways to deal with the constant over thinking, memories & anxiety.

Thankfully I’ve got a huge movie & TV show collection so I’ve always got something to distract myself. Then there is good old Candy Crush. I play that until I get really tired. It works wonders.

Have you got any ideas to help with sleep?

Don’t forget to be kind to yourself.

I’m sure this is the reason so many of us get sick all the time!

I think I’m grieving the loss of a normal life

I’m really struggling lately. I feel like I’m grieving the lost of the normal life I should of had. Instead my innocence was stolen & so was any chance of a normal existence.

I see all my friends married, with a career & having children yet I’m struggling to just get through the days at the moment.

I keep thinking where would I be? Would I be the flight attendant or doctor that I wanted to be growing up? Would I be married with a few children by now? Would I have a better relationship with my family?

All those years of sexual & mental abuse will stay with me & effect me till the day I die. It’s not going to go away because having complex PTSD stays with you forever.

I can try to make life more bearable for myself but I think I shouldn’t have too. I should be enjoying an amazing life that my Mum dreamed of when I was born. Instead I’m an absolute mess half the time & just getting through the days are a battle.

I get so angry when I think that the man that did this to me is free & living (probably) a guilt free life while I have a life sentence to deal with.

I know I will get through this rough patch but I also know that there will be many many more to come in the future.

Do you ever think about what could have been?

Be kind to yourself Xx

Wish we could delete feelings & memories!

A Delete & Reboot switch behind the left ear would be perfect!

Being Kind To Yourself & Listening To Your Gut Instinct

As suffers of Complex PTSD we tend not to look after ourselves.

We put others first & forget about number one.

Its taken me years to realise that its what I needed to do to make life easier for myself.

If you are feeling down or out of it then do something nice for yourself. Get a massage, get your nails done, sit in the sun & read a gossip magazine, pour yourself a glass of wine & put your feet up, call a friend & go somewhere nice for a meal, go shopping & buy yourself something new.

Do something that YOU like, do something for YOU!

For me I get some serious anxiety & I end up feeling like a total stress ball. Its horrible, I cant sleep, I’m on edge all the time & life just seems like its never going to get better. When I get like this I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. So Iv had to start listening to myself & when I’m like this I book a massage to get myself out of this terrible slump. It really does wonders for your stressed body & mind.

If you have CPTSD you’ll know that these periods of anxiety don’t happen just once in a while, it can happen multiple times a month. We need to take care of ourselves so we don’t end up in a messy state that is even harder to get out of.

Listening to yourself is so important. As survivors we have an amazing instinct & usually if it doesn’t feel right then it probably isn’t. If you go into a situation & you don’t feel comfortable then leave. You shouldn’t put yourself in a position where you don’t feel safe. Listen to your gut & go with it. You don’t need to put yourself in stressful situations.

Be Kind To Yourself & Listen To Your Gut Instinct

Never give up on your friends

Getting Help

The last few weeks haven’t been good at all. Iv been completely Blah & not the best at all.

My anxiety has been through the roof & I haven’t wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Iv been having flashbacks which make everyday life so difficult. Iv been crying all the time & getting so angry with myself for feeling that way.

I made myself an appointment with the psychiatrist a few weeks ago & I had the appointment today.

On the way to the appointment I joked with my hubby that they should just lock me in a paddled cell & throw away the key. He wasn’t very happy about me say that, personally I thought it was funny & maybe a little but true.

I hadn’t seen this doctor before so I was nervous about having to explain my situation to someone new. Thankfully when I arrived she had read through my notes so she knew a lot about me, that made it so much easier.

She asked me all the relevant questions then asked me to explain how I had been feeling. I told her everything that has been going on. Just how hard doing everyday tasks are. I explained whats been going on in pretty much ever detail.

Iv learnt over the years that you shouldn’t leave anything out, tell them everything & anything so they can help you in every possible way. Don’t leave anything out in fear that they might be shocked, dont worry they have heard it all before & probably worse than what you have to tell them.

After I told her everything she sat back in her chair & to my surprise she said that she thinks I’m doing a lot better than what I think I am. She said the way that I’m feeling is completely normal for someone who suffers from Complex PTSD. She said I should be proud of myself that I’m doing as well as I am.

Now I will admit that I wish she had said “Yes there is something wrong with you, take this tablet twice a day & you will feel normal again” But I know that that will never happen.

When I was walking home I thought ‘Okay I’m not doing as badly as I thought’ I think I need to give myself more credit & I definitely need to stop being so hard on myself. We are all guilty of it. We think we should be doing more, we should be happier & we should be normal.

After hearing that its okay to be feeling like this I am going to take the time for myself & get back to normal again. If that means doing nothing & doing things for myself to change how I’m feeling then that’s what Ill be doing. I will take the pressure off myself & just go with the flow.

If you’re feeling the same way, please get yourself an appointment with a doctor & get the help that you need. You might be the same as me & just need someone to tell you that you are actually doing a lot better than you think.

Don’t forget to be kind to yourself!

Couldn’t agree more but sometimes it’s easier said than done!

I’m sure a lot of you will relate to this, I definitely did.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜